Wednesday, August 13, 2008

August 13th 2008

Just another day. I think I feel better today, although nothing has happened to set me off into a whirl of negative thoughts. I feel quiet. 2 people have said to me that there looks like there must be something wrong with me. I guess my face looks sad, but I just feel quiet. Nothing I really want to talk about. Nothing I really want to do. I usually only blog when I am upset but I think it may help me to write when I am not just to be able to see how I am on 'normal' days, if there is such a thing as normal.
My one and only friend was here today. She was talking, but I wasn't really. She was tired, I think maybe she could be upset that I wasn't talking much, but I know she's not. That's just my brain thinking too much again. Well, I think I am going to watch another movie now. Another escape from reality and a procrastination tool.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Being diagnosed

I have been to different doctors and therapists and taken countless meds. I have been told I have Anxiety, OCD, Panic Disorder, Depression..... the list goes on. Last month I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had read about it before, and the description fits me, but hearing the actual diagnosis from a psychologist was a bit overwhelming. I started reading everything I could about it, trying to find ways to cope, to deal, to try anything to make this better. I was getting obsessed with it. I decided now to stop reading about it and just take each day as it comes, each symptom as something new to deal with. Some days are worse than others. I am in a deep depression right now that was caused by feeling neglected and alone after a fight with my husband. That's the thing about BPD.... you take everything as rejection, every little thing. Then I start telling myself that I am worthless, that I can't do anything right, that I am no good to anyone. The negative thoughts consume me and I can't escape them. I know I am a great looking woman, I have a heart of gold and love helping others, I am a good, nurturing, caring mother. I know these things in my head, but they seem to get buried by the negative thoughts and feelings that are out of my control. It is a struggle everyday just to do dishes, make dinner, clean the house... A struggle to even smile. I feel like there is no purpose to my life. There is a need in me to be validated by other people. I can not do it myself. If I am not being validated by someone then I feel worthless. I need to figure out how to be good to myself, make myself feel special without the consent from another person. Everything is black or white to me. I am either very happy, or very sad. I am either angry or loving. There is no middle with me. The smallest thing can set me off into a totally different emotion then I had 5 seconds beforehand. I feel as if my brain takes over me and I can not stop it. The worst point I have ever been in was last week. I was suicidal. I had it all planned out, down to every detail on how I was going to do it, who would find me, I would write my kids each a goodbye letter. I did not do it obviously, and I am glad I climbed out of that darkness. It is still dark though, just not as dark. I do not want to feel this anymore. I do not want to live like this anymore and nothing I do seems to help. Once I get into that negative, emotionally self-destructive thought pattern I can't escape it.
This blog is for me, to write about my feelings without having anyone know who I am. Maybe I can help someone out there like me, let them know they are not alone. I tried blogging on myspace, but my friends got sick of my complaining. Great friends right. They say I am playing the victim and can just stop and get out of this. They do not understand. If it was that easy I would be out of it, I would be happy. Do they think I like living like this? I hate it! I just want to be normal, I want to live my days and enjoy them, not just go through the motions of life and have to force myself to do everyday normal things. I want to live.

Intro to what BPD actually is.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.1 There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.4 Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.5 These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.