Being diagnosed

I have been to different doctors and therapists and taken countless meds. I have been told I have Anxiety, OCD, Panic Disorder, Depression..... the list goes on. Last month I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had read about it before, and the description fits me, but hearing the actual diagnosis from a psychologist was a bit overwhelming. I started reading everything I could about it, trying to find ways to cope, to deal, to try anything to make this better. I was getting obsessed with it. I decided now to stop reading about it and just take each day as it comes, each symptom as something new to deal with. Some days are worse than others. I am in a deep depression right now that was caused by feeling neglected and alone after a fight with my husband. That's the thing about BPD.... you take everything as rejection, every little thing. Then I start telling myself that I am worthless, that I can't do anything right, that I am no good to anyone. The negative thoughts consume me and I can't escape them. I know I am a great looking woman, I have a heart of gold and love helping others, I am a good, nurturing, caring mother. I know these things in my head, but they seem to get buried by the negative thoughts and feelings that are out of my control. It is a struggle everyday just to do dishes, make dinner, clean the house... A struggle to even smile. I feel like there is no purpose to my life. There is a need in me to be validated by other people. I can not do it myself. If I am not being validated by someone then I feel worthless. I need to figure out how to be good to myself, make myself feel special without the consent from another person. Everything is black or white to me. I am either very happy, or very sad. I am either angry or loving. There is no middle with me. The smallest thing can set me off into a totally different emotion then I had 5 seconds beforehand. I feel as if my brain takes over me and I can not stop it. The worst point I have ever been in was last week. I was suicidal. I had it all planned out, down to every detail on how I was going to do it, who would find me, I would write my kids each a goodbye letter. I did not do it obviously, and I am glad I climbed out of that darkness. It is still dark though, just not as dark. I do not want to feel this anymore. I do not want to live like this anymore and nothing I do seems to help. Once I get into that negative, emotionally self-destructive thought pattern I can't escape it.
This blog is for me, to write about my feelings without having anyone know who I am. Maybe I can help someone out there like me, let them know they are not alone. I tried blogging on myspace, but my friends got sick of my complaining. Great friends right. They say I am playing the victim and can just stop and get out of this. They do not understand. If it was that easy I would be out of it, I would be happy. Do they think I like living like this? I hate it! I just want to be normal, I want to live my days and enjoy them, not just go through the motions of life and have to force myself to do everyday normal things. I want to live.